Good Grief

The other night I had a powerful dream.

In my dream, I was lying on the couch dozing off when I heard a banging at the door. Now, in real life someone banging at the door would’ve scared me, but in my dream I was annoyed. It felt like I knew who it was at the door and I had that feeling of ‘Now what?! What do they want again?!’

I got up, headed to the door and looked out of my peephole. Standing there was this black, amorphous figure trying to get in. Again, in reality I’d probably be looking for the nearest exit, but in this dream I was determined to put this thing in its place.

I swung the door open prepared to enter into a shouting match (something else I’ve rarely done in reality), but as soon as I opened the door the figure fell into my arms, weeping profusely. At that moment, I knew who it was.

It was grief.

She said nothing, but as soon as she threw all of her weight on me, I felt everything she’d been feeling.

| She was tired.

Tired of shouldering all the burdens of hurting people. Tired of being blamed for so many things that went wrong in people’s lives.

| She was broken.

Broken from the beatings she’d taken from people who felt broken by her. Worn out from all dreams she’s been accused of crushing or lives she’d been accused of ruining. 

| Grief was grieving.

I realized I’d been one of her grievances for too long. Never seeking to understand her; only to blame, chastise and demean her.

So while tomorrow marks 20 years since I lost my father, it marks Day 1 of a new impact in my life...

Good Grief

My dream reminded me of how good grief had actually been to me even though I’d been terrible to her. 

She’s been the path to my emotional release when I felt overwhelmed by my present or past. She’d motivated me to push past some of my lowest points with the reward of making those who I grieved for proud. She’d been a reminder to depend on my Heavenly Father to fill any void or lack that the passing of my natural father left.

And she recently gave me a new challenge: Love.

| A renewed love for my friends and family.

| A deeper love for Christ.

| A refreshed love of myself and the life He’s designed for me.

I know most people will view grief as destructive or as a divider, but I’m breaking away from that train of thought and am choosing to be reminded of how good grief can be.